Hatred and a Promise
by Katie of Gryffindor
Summary: A tribute fic... Harry mourns, hating the world, everyone in it, and everyone gone from it.


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Disclaimer: They're not mine. None of them. They're JKR's. I have no money, either, so no need to sue me.

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Author's Notes: _This story is a great big spoiler for Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix. If you've not read the whole book and you don't want it ruined, don't read this. You've been warned. Don't come crying to me._ Otherwise… This is a tribute to the slain character in OotP. Remember. Embrace. Enjoy.

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Hatred and a Promise

By Katie of Gryffindor

Harry lay on his back, staring at the stars above, but seeing nothing. The summer air around him was infiltrated by a wealth of the usual Muggle smells: barbeques, freshly-mowed grass, thriving flowers and the like. Harry took note of none of this, though. Harry was only conscious of one thing.

  
The curtain fluttering. Sirius and Bellatrix dueling. A flash of red. Then Sirius hit. Sirius falling in slow-motion. Harry running. Harry screaming. Then… nothing.

A second after it ended, the scene started all again.

Harry's heart ached. The world around him was cheery and smiling at him. Harry was disgusted. Why was the world not mourning the loss of someone so great? Harry wanted to lash out. Make everything dark, like it was inside himself. He wanted to scream at everything. The birds singing happily to their young. The stars and their incessant jolly twinkling. Children for daring to laugh within hearing distance of him and playing as though no wrong had been done, as if the world were perfectly fine.

Harry hated it all.

He hated the world for daring to move past the loss of such a great man. He hated that his friends, while sad, were starting to move on too. He especially hated people for being happy that Sirius Black was dead. True, no one ever got to know that he was truly innocent, but that wasn't the point. Sirius had done so much for the Wizarding World, yet most thought him to be vicious and cruel and thought the world a better place without him. And Harry hated every last one of those people.

Harry could feel himself being ripped apart at the seams like badly-sewn robes. Gone was the best link to the past, to Lily and James. Gone was the only person who had shown him the love of a father in the last fourteen years. Gone was Harry's strength, his stability. Sirius was gone.

"I would have been better off if I'd never known him at all…" mused Harry, bitterness littering his voice. As soon as the words had escaped his lips, though, he knew how wrong the statement was. Since that night in the Shrieking Shack at the end of Harry's third year, Harry had finally been on the receiving end of Sirius' paternal affections, something he'd not had before. Harry had a family again.

And now his family was ripped to shreds again.

The last two years had been hard on Harry, but he always had Sirius to turn to when things got rough. Now things were the roughest they had ever been, and Sirius was gone.

Harry rolled onto his stomach in the grassy yard of Number Four, Privet Drive. He crossed his arms and buried his face in the circle of his arms. He let silent tears of grief flow, knowing that in the morning, he would need to go shower and get ready to go.

The Order had arranged for something of a memorial service for Sirius. It seemed many of the members of the Order were having similar troubles in letting go of Sirius, and it was starting to take a toll on them. The service was a means by which they could say their final goodbyes to the slain man. 

Harry had been asked to speak at the service. He didn't know what to say, or how to say it when he figured it all out. And he wondered if he would really be able to speak when his heart felt like it was being ripped out every time he thought of his godfather. He didn't want that feeling anymore. Didn't want to think about Sirius. But he couldn't stop.

He lay with his nose in the grass, his glasses knocked cock-eyed by his forearms, and tried to organize his thoughts into a tribute worthy of Sirius. His eyes were shut, thriving to block out the world, with the screaming brats and the squawking pigeons, and he tried to think.

The sun rose over Privet Drive to find Harry on his back on the lawn. A limb was haphazardly draped over his forehead, and his glasses were in the grass next to him. An extra-bright ray shined itself on Harry's eyes, serving to both wake and blind the fifteen-year-old. A muttered curse as Harry took in his surroundings, and Harry grabbed his glasses. A second later Harry was on his way into the house. Another second, filled with a glance at his wristwatch, made Harry bound inside. He had just enough time to clean up and get dressed for the service.

He thundered up the stairs to his room and grabbed the clothes he had set out for his godfather's memorial. A quick shower and dressing later, he was picking up the small Muggle-made toy that was to serve as a Port Key to the designated meeting site. Harry let half of a sad smile flit over his lips as he ran a thumb over the little black head of the plastic dog in his hand. In a moment, there was a tug behind Harry's navel, and the brand new dress robes he'd bought the day before whipped around his ankles as he spun off toward his destination.

The service was a blur for Harry. He moved as a robot, shaking the hands of the mourners he didn't know, receiving somber hugs from those he did. Everyone there knew what Sirius had been to Harry, and to Harry's parents, and everyone kept saying how sorry they were to have learned of Sirius' passing. The worst of these hugs, though, was from his ex-professor. 

As Remus Lupin folded him awkwardly into an embrace, Harry felt a lump come to his throat. He could say nothing. He only buried his face in Lupin's shoulder. Lupin hugged Harry closer, and the two cried quietly for the man they had lost. Before long, Lupin pulled back and looked down at the tear-streaked face of the teen before him. 

"He loved you, you know," said Lupin softly. 

"I loved him too," said Harry, trying to get a hold of himself.

"He knew that." Lupin sent Harry a reassuring smile and gave Harry an extra squeeze. They lapsed into silence, and Harry turned his eyes away from the harrowed face of his old teacher to the hems of his robes. After a while, the older man spoke again.

"Harry, I have something to tell you." Harry looked up questioningly, but said nothing. Lupin took this as an indication to continue, so he did. "Before he died, Sirius and I had a long talk about you." Harry's eyebrows rose a bit, but he remained mute. Lupin went on. "He asked me to take over if anything ever happened to him. It was as if he knew something was coming…" Lupin trailed off, staring at a distant spot on the wall behind Harry. 

Harry felt the lump in his throat coming back again. Harry looked back toward the floor, his heart aching once more. 

Lupin spoke again a minute later, turning back to Harry. "So I want you to know that I will be here whenever you need me. Feel free to owl me as often as you like and I'll try to keep you up to speed with what's going on around here as long as it's not too risky. Seeing as I have nothing except the Order to keep me busy, I can be wherever you want me to be pretty darn quick… As long as it's not during the full moon, that is." Lupin let out a half-hearted chuckle. "But I mean it. I promised Sirius that I would do my best and be there for you as best I could. And I will, Harry. I never break a promise."

Harry nodded, raising his gaze back to look Lupin in the eye. "Thank you," said Harry. "I appreciate it. Really." Harry sighed deeply. "I think I need to be alone now, though, if you don't mind."

Lupin nodded in understanding. "All right. Just remember. Whenever you need me, wherever you need me. I'll be there."

Harry nodded again, and Lupin left. And Harry was alone. Again. Sirius was gone, and there was nothing Harry could do about it. He hated the world for continuing on without his godfather. He hated Voldemort for taking yet another part of his family away, even though it was not him but his Death Eater that had killed Sirius. And a part of Harry hated Sirius for dying.

Sirius was gone. Nothing Harry could do would bring him back. He couldn't turn back time to change things. Harry just had to live without Sirius.

The question was…

How?

~*~ The End ~*~


End file.
